For some people, love acts as an important aspect of a relationship.
In fact, it is.
Love gives you the sparks, the euphoric feelings, the comfort, and the excitement of having someone you want to share your life with. When you are in love with someone, you may see them as the best person for you. You feel that you are enough with them, that they are different from everyone else, and that they can give you something no one else can.
When the love sparks, you want to be around them. You want to spend time with them. You voluntarily want to spend the rest of your life with them. You do things to show them that you love them, hoping that this feeling will last forever. And eventually, you decide to marry them because you love them, and they love you back.
But what if I ask you,
Why does love make you want to marry your partner?
What do you actually mean when you say, “I love you”?
And perhaps the most important question:
Is love enough to marry someone?
Absolutely, everyone has a different definition of love and different ways of expressing it. For one person, love might mean spending as much time together as possible. For another, love might mean giving their partner freedom and space. For one person, love might be expressed through words, affection, and reassurance. For another, love might be expressed through responsibility, providing, or quietly making sure that their partner is taken care of.
So, when two people with different definitions of love decide to build a marriage together, how do they know that they are actually building the same kind of marriage? What are the things you believe a husband should do? What are the things you believe a wife should do? How do you see money, children, family, conflict, education, faith, and the responsibilities you will carry together? What happens when you disagree?
And perhaps more importantly, what is the framework you will return to when you cannot agree?
Because marriage is not built only during the moments when you are deeply in love. Marriage will also ask you to stay when you are tired. To communicate when you are angry. To listen when you do not completely understand. To compromise when neither of you gets exactly what you want.
And perhaps, there will be moments when the sparks are no longer as intense as they were in the beginning.
This is why I believe that you need something stronger than love in marriage. Not something that replaces love. But something that gives love a foundation to stand on.
For me, that foundation is religion.
More specifically, having the same religious foundation, the same fundamental understanding of what marriage is for, and a shared framework for seeing life. Because when two people share the same religious foundation, they have something to return to when their emotions are difficult to navigate.
When both of you are angry, there is still a principle that reminds you about how you should treat one another. When you disagree about something, there is still a framework that helps you determine what is right and what is wrong beyond simply “what I want” and “what you want.” When life becomes difficult, there is still the same belief that reminds both of you that marriage is not merely about fulfilling your own emotional needs, but also about fulfilling a responsibility before Allah.
And perhaps this is why, before asking whether you love someone enough to marry them, we should also ask:
Do we believe in the same things? Do we have the same understanding of why we are getting married? Do we share the same fundamental values? Do we have a similar framework for making important decisions? Do we have the same understanding of what it means to be a husband and a wife? Do we have the same direction when it comes to raising our children? Do we have the same understanding of what we are ultimately trying to build together?
Because having the same religion does not automatically mean having the same understanding.
Two people can identify as Muslims, pray, and share the same religious identity, but still have very different understandings of marriage, family, responsibility, money, gender roles, parenting, and conflict.
And this is why I think shared understanding matters.
Not necessarily agreeing on every single thing. But having enough common ground that, when differences arise, you are not standing on completely different foundations.
Because, naudzubillah, what happens when the sparks are gone? What happens when you are no longer constantly excited to see each other? What happens when you are tired, disappointed, overwhelmed, or simply going through a difficult season of life? What happens when the person you once thought was perfect suddenly becomes very human?
When that happens, I hope we have something more than feelings to hold onto.
Something that says,
“I may be upset with you, but I still know what my responsibility is.”
“I may not understand you right now, but I still know how I am supposed to treat you.”
“I may not feel the same intensity that I felt when we first met, but I still remember why we chose to build this life together.”
And perhaps, this is where religion becomes more than something that we practice individually. It becomes the foundation of the home we are trying to build.
Because love can fluctuate. Emotions can change. Attraction can have its seasons. Life circumstances can change us.
But when two people share a religious foundation, a similar way of understanding life, and a common vision for their marriage, they have something to return to. Something to hold onto. Something to remind them that marriage is bigger than how they feel about each other today.
This does not mean that love is unimportant. Of course, we want to love our spouse. We want to feel attracted to them, enjoy their company, miss them, laugh with them, and feel grateful that Allah chose them to accompany us through life.
But perhaps love should not be the only reason we stay. Because feelings are not always stable enough to carry the entire weight of a marriage. And perhaps this is why I would rather marry someone with whom I share the same foundation than someone I simply have the strongest chemistry with. Because chemistry can bring two people together. But shared values, faith, and vision can give them somewhere to return to.
So before marriage, perhaps we should ask ourselves more than,
“Do I love this person?”
Ask:
“Do we worship the same God?”
“Do we have the same fundamental understanding of marriage?”
“Do we share the same values?”
“Can we build a life in the same direction?”
“When our feelings become difficult, do we have something greater than ourselves to return to?”
Because perhaps, when the sparks become quieter, as they inevitably may in different seasons of marriage, we will be grateful that we built our marriage on something deeper than sparks.
We will still have something to hold onto. Something to remind us why we chose each other. Something to guide us when we don’t know what to do. Something greater than our feelings. Something that brings us back to Allah.
—Atika Meilani.